Hello, Nuance | Reflections on a Toxic Relationship with Extremes
My therapist and I recently confessed to one another that we don’t entirely believe the bipolar diagnosis I came into her care with… But I’ve always had an interest in the contrasting sides of philosophy and the natural world. The way you can’t see the stars unless there is darkness, the way some people only know how to experience love when there is pain, the way health is most appreciated during times of illness, the warmth of the sun in winter, and so on. After being diagnosed as bipolar a few years ago, I thought maybe that was where my interest in polarities came from…
Lately, though, I notice that I am most comfortable in the extremes and unusual. Even when I experience a period of numbness or depression, what helps the most is photographing “tiny things.” Finding something awe-inspiring in the ordinary gives me as sense of peace... Especially those extremely small or extremely delicate aspects of nature. Or so I thought… (keep reading!)
Photo by Mykhailo Kopyt on Unsplash
Have you ever thought you might be addicted to extremes? (Or chaos?)
I want to tell you about romanticizing the middle, but bear with me, because before I do, I think you need to understand what living for the extremes has looked like for me (and maybe you’ll see some ways you also live in the extremes, and notice your feelings about those experiences).
About a month ago, I started really making a point to invite brief moments of deeply present joy into my daily routine.
I had identified joy as an uncomfortable emotion for me to be present with, noting the general sad or wistful energy I feel most relaxed in… my most natural-feeling state, if that makes sense. (You can read about my micro-dosing joy experience here.)
That was while I was still living in the tail-end of a toxic relationship, though, and since leaving that living situation, I’m finding irony in the fact that I tried to push myself to experience joy and relax into it in a place where I didn’t feel safe and secure. What a harsh command to place on myself! And I didn’t see that at the time.
Yet that particular example of my self-criticism and goals wouldn’t surprise anyone who knows me well.
It’s exactly something I would notice and expect from myself… Because I was in the extreme of insecurity, fear, and distrust, while joy was sort of an opposite extreme - an extreme of security, relaxation, playfulness.
How did they get my bipolar diagnosis wrong?
I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at the end of a different toxic relationship, after nearly a year of constant moving. I had traveled across the entire country and even moved to Europe for a short while. Most of the travel took place before breaking up, crash-landing in my dad’s guest room for a week, and ending up hospitalized. It was under those circumstances that I was diagnosed, and even after my diagnosis and into treatment, I was making wild decisions and leaping into extreme and unknown situations…
I’ve slowed down a bit in the past two years, but I still found my way back into a toxic relationship and am once again in a position of looking for home and having an empty bank account…
An Example of Extreme-Seeking Thought Patterns in Action:
On the one hand, I feel disappointed in myself and ashamed that I seem to have repeated several past mistakes. On the other hand, though, something is different this time. I’m able to see patterns I didn’t see before, and I’m also noticing that the work I’ve been doing in therapy and on my own to create a home within myself, for myself, is really starting to take shape. Just today, I recognized the most beautiful win: my center of emotional gravity is in myself.
(Can you see the extremes there? I feel ashamed of myself and proud of myself at the same time.)
But now… There’s something there that wasn’t there before!
For the first time I can remember, it’s my own needs, my own emotions, my own goals, and my own comfort that I am considering first. And it’s starting to feel more natural. Thinking of my own position rather than analyzing and accommodating everyone else’s first is starting to become a habit, a first-instinct without having to consciously catch myself and re-adjust into…
Life right now has a swirling sensation for me. So much is moving, shifting, revealing parts of itself, old beliefs are surfacing, long-time habits are beginning to give way to new ways of being… The meaning of words and even perhaps my core values are shifting in ways that feel significant.
As I notice all of these things, I also seek out the contrast, always wanting an alternative perspective… and this month I found something different from contrast. I left the place I lived before and came into an uncertain and transitional period of life… In this space, I discovered a beautiful quality called nuance.
A nuance is a subtle difference. A shade lighter, a slight shift in tone or meaning. It’s a baby-step of difference, rather than a leap off the cliff of contrast.
In the extremes, there’s a sense of control.
It’s entirely light or it’s entirely dark. It’s all good or all bad. It’s right or it’s wrong. There are clear answers, like a multiple choice question in grade-school, there’s comfort in being right (or, if you’re wrong, in being able to learn what the right answer was).
Nuance offers curiosity and wonder, rather than control.
It’s like a spectrum, rather than a yes/no toggle-switch. It’s the sky just after sunset, when it’s neither dark nor light. It’s a stream, not a still pond or a fast-rolling river. So often when I find beauty and awe and romance in something, it’s the nuances that capture my attention and ignite my curiosity. (Not the extreme-ness of it that I thought it was before - !!! )
Nuance feels like middle-ground to me… and I think we’ve finally found my 2024 word of the year! I hadn’t felt it come until now, and I am delighted by the gentle way it wandered in, in its own time, and settled down into my being without any force or pressure.
What does it mean? (What does it mean?)
The bipolar diagnosis that I carried with me for a while helped me learn a lot! But what seems even more likely is that I have lived the vast majority of my life, including my most formative and influential years, in a state of chaos, alternating emotional extremes, and insecure attachments.
There are alternative explanations behind my emotional development that make more sense…
Some common effects of the type of childhood I experienced include difficulty regulating emotions, a sense of discomfort in calm (because, for my brain and body, stress and chaos are the norm… they are what I know best, and what is known is experienced as what is safe by the most basic parts of most animals).
There are good and bad days… but even in a healthy environment, unhealed trauma will eventually re-surface.
There have been periods in my life where I’ve been able to create stability and where I have experienced more security and emotional regulation capacity… but those periods are times I remember as extremely stressful, uncomfortable, and sort of scary. I often found myself waiting for the other shoe to drop, and when a problem or conflict arose, I experienced it as a relief as I shifted back into problem-solving survival mode where I am at my most confident. The cycle of behaviors moving me from seemingly-secure and regulated into impulsivity contributed to the bipolar diagnosis, but with a deeper look… other explanations surfaced in abundance.
Nuances in My Self-Image and Beliefs Since Consciously Building a Home Within Myself
I’ve started to embrace the awareness that my body is used to stress chemicals and hyper-vigilance, and that part of me may always feel most in-control (and therefore safe and confident), amidst chaos…
And this is a point of nuance in my own mindset, because in the past I’ve had thoughts of showing myself grace and compassion as I healed the wounds of cPTSD from my past… and now, that grace and compassion has transformed into genuine love and care for myself, and it is no longer “as I am healing,” which implies that there is an end-goal, a thing I am doing to earn that grace and compassion from myself, but rather now it is to love myself as I am, and always.
I once thought of myself as a phoenix as I came out of a toxic relationship cycle… But not this time.
I am starting over with my financial and physical-home foundations once again… And this time, it brings me joy to notice and appreciate the middle ground as I rebuild. Perhaps not the edge of the world. Perhaps not a completely isolated cabin in the woods. Perhaps not a downtown apartment in the city. Perhaps not $29k in 30 days. Perhaps not no income at all. Maybe, just maybe, I can find my place somewhere in the middle of it all, and perhaps some days I will breathe easy and laugh with my neighbors, even while there are still some days I feel the need to hide away from the world or spend a week in the forest.
Friendships are budding.
Family, healthy family, is embracing me from all around.
Love is taking shapes and tones I’ve never noticed before.
My definitions of safety, joy, peace, and sadness are all recalibrating.
There was a time when I wanted to rise from the ashes…
But this time, the coals are still hot, and I know a gentle breath will bring the flames back to life. Let there be a slow burn, a middle space where there are still embers, still coals, where it’s not all ash quite yet. Maybe I will rise, or maybe I was never the wood in the fire, but the rock which it burned on top of. Maybe the rains will wash away the ash and dust and the sun will shine on me, right where I’ve always been.
Today, the coals are still hot and this fire will not be rushed.
There’s magic in the middle. Contrast and extremes have been addictions for me — my sugar and caffeine — while nuance is a cup of hot herbal tea with a healthy dose of wildflower honey. I’d like to spend more time sipping my tea, now.
